it's my life.

2:24pm: sucks
this week has been a week from hell. life just took a huge dump on me.
i had two people spend the night when my parents were gone.
so my mom flipped a bitch and ran away. what a pussy. fucking grow up.
woot, i don't get to go to prom. or anything in the next two months for that matter.
oh, and i missed my first behind the wheel today. so i got yelled at some more and now i have to pay for this one i missed, as well as the one i need to re-schedule. and no job to pay for it. sick.

10:53am: hello world!
going to the city today-mon. pretty stoked.
livejournal is becoming forgotten about again.
poor little feller. i wont give up on you!

11:18pm: "Maneater"
[Verse 1]
Everybody look at me, me
I walk in the door you start screaming
Come on everybody what chu here for?
Move your body around like a nympho
Everybody get your necks to crack around
All you crazy people come on jump around
I want to see you all on your knees, knees
You either want to be with me, or be me!

[Chorus]
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
make you fall, real hard in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
Wish you never ever met her at all!

[Verse 2]
And when she walks she walks with passion
when she talks, she talks like she can handle it
when she asks for something boy she means it
even if you never ever seen it
everybody get your necks to crack around
all you crazy people come on jump around
you doing anything to keep her by your side
because, she said she love you, love you long time!

[Chorus]
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
make you fall, real hard in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
Wish you never ever met her at all!

[Chants]

[Chorus]
Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
make you fall, real hard in love
She's a Maneater, make you work hard
Make you spend hard
Make you want all, of her love
She's a maneater
make you buy cars
make you cut cords
Wish you never ever met her at all!

Never ever met her at all!
you wish you never ever met her at all!
[x3]


chhhaaaaa right.

9:23pm: p.s.
FUCK PINK EYE.

9:21pm: "kaaaaarrree, kare kare"
eww, i hate how well i know people sometimes.
it wouldn't be such a big deal,
if it didn't happen every other weekend.
same old excuses, same old lame shit.
sitting at home all day.
just waiting, ready to go.
take a shower, put my clothes/make-up on.
for what? nothing.
i just sit here waiting for someone
to care enough to call back.
i mean, it would be a miracle
if someone were to put the effort
to call ME for once to make plans.
at first i would get mad,
because i thought it was just carelessness.
but now it's really starting to get to me.
it's really starting to hurt.
it kinda shows how much people care.

i've become the friend that nobody likes.

5:08pm: ohh, oh ohhhh erection!
helloween was pretty fun:
dance!!, vodka, dance!, more alcohol,
boner rubbing my leg, dance!, sleep.
but i think i got sick.
because now i want to stab my throat out of my neck
everytime i swallow or talk or anything.
eww @ being sick.

im stoked for this weekend.
sleep over! doing hair! gabbys party! taking graff pictures!

5:30pm: news flash
this was one of my better weekends in a while.
i had a lot of fun with my family,
which is rare its usually completely hectic,
considering the size of it.

sometimes i disgust myself.
why can't i just be happy with what i can have?
[i'm referring to boys of course]
i'm never satisfied with the guys who are into me.
and the ones i go for are ALWAYS waaay out of my league.
i dont know how to act, i think too much about it.
and i think more of it than they ever do.
i'm just the annoying little girl crush.

i've been thinking a lot lately,
and having feelings i rarely have.
i guess it's kind of a reoccurring thing.
i'm getting sick of things in my life.
i'm ready for a fresh start,
and not in the sense of appearance.
i dont want to go into huge detail,
because for now its just thoughts.
and i dont want to hurt anyone,
because i know it would absolutely crush them.
i've just been feeling rather distant,
maybe we are drifting apart.
maybe it's just one of those points in the relationship,
where we need a break, and need to be a little distant for a while.
i'm not sure, but its bugging the FUCK out of me.
and i hope i figure things out soon.
because i love this person dearly.
and i would hate if we stopped being such close friends.

4:12pm: today was such a good day.
shit.

oh p.s.
my mom already took away my cell phone becuase i got
mad at her for bashing on gay people. chh, way bitch.
what ev. she's a fuck.

4:51pm: well fuck my ass.
mother's been lapsing back into her phsyco bitch phase.
hellof mean all the time, for no reason.
i'm kinda not feeling well lately.
had a reality check [sort of] yesterday.
im nothing special, so why would i be any different,
or more noticeable than all the other vagina's he fucks with.
i mean, c'mon. seriously.

lol
im listening to classical music right now.
it's on a cd i got at power to the peaceful.
i wish everywhere was like that,
a chill hippy festival, always.
way.

oh and i got a sick new little cellular device,
it's that tiny one in the commercial. ha
1(707)217-9323
hit me up.

9:36pm: i feel it
today i drove to the city with gabriella and her brother to Power to the Peaceful.
it was amazing. like, such a positive energy all around.
i needed this.



i woke up crying the other night.
i had a nightmare about my father.
i really miss him, yet i still haven't forgiven him.

plus i think im getting mood swings from starting birth control.
ehh.

8:31pm: hey rayskin
cxghd vbksdnfjks bleeeehhhhdgjsf
wednesday night market?
yes?

jdsf uqdehfduf ew jkarejkdskjhadskgvu riwefcjcheisdugth
so excited!!!!
motherfella/
thats basically it.


"i will not deal with assholes.
im done being everyones bitches.
you can put that in your life journal entry and smoke it."

love you mayne.

DUDE MY CAT LOOKS ASIAN!
fuck fuck fuck
FUCK my asshole
i got cock eyebrows.

5:10pm: i had a weird dream last night
it started out with one of my friends. we were having fun just hangin out in town. we were walking by this house and then my friend decided to do something bad to it [i dont really remember what, but something along the lines of vandalizing it or w.e.] and this old guy looks out his window and starts screaming at us. we start to walk away when i turn around and see the guy running out of his house with a shot gun. [at this time i start sprinting and notice my friend ditched me. nowhere to be found.] im running down bodega ave. and see a boy [i guess he's my friend in the dream. but he's no one i know in real life] he see's me and offers to give a lift on his motorcycle. as i get on, i look around and don't see the old man. so we're driving down and get to the stop light in the middle of main street. and i notice the old man in a car behind us. we drive back around and race towards analy[the guy behind us the whole way]. we then get off the motorcycle and jump a fence into a field, we lost the guy. but then i get that terrible feeling in my stomach and realize i need to get home; like when i go somewhere im not supposed to, or sneak out. its in the am by now, mind you[but still dark out]. he gets me to my moms house and im thinking how im going to sneak in.... and thats all i remember. i think i woke up.

but anyways it kinda freaked me out and i decided to look it up. who knows if these stupid dream books are real, but i gave it a try anyways. and thinkin back on who the friend is and such. it makes sense.



Chased[the man with the shotgun]: In this dream you are usually being chased by some villains, monsters or criminals who wish to harm you. But often these pursuers represent current tensions and issues rather than actual people. This dream usually shows the level of stress you have at the moment, and is a signal to take control over the worries and resolve issues with a clear head.

Night Night stands for a period of transition with the promise that the morning will follow. To dream about wandering at night promises invisible dangers. The night might also stand for an uncertain future.

Darkness[we could barely see, the moon wasn't out.]: Being in the darkness, a dark room etc. means that you feel insecure about your work, yourself or life in general. It also could mean that you don't understand something, or you are not informed well. Being a dark cave means that you feel unprotected. Dreaming about darkness always refers to an emotionally dangerous situation which is not resolved.

Escape/fleeing: A dream about escaping means that you will be able to luckily avoid danger in time. If you dream of escaping, it is a sign that you are avoiding danger at the last moment. If you are helping someone else to escape, your help and good deed will cause problems in the future. Escaping from a person denotes that you are dealing with a false friend.

Fence: A fence has two meanings; an obstacle or protection. It is very important to know if the fence is blocking your path or surrounding a property. If you are standing in front of a fence, you need to put some effort in order to overcome an obstacle. Climbing over a fence is sure bet that you will resolve your problems.

Guns/pistols: Dreaming of a pistol means that you have a bad conscience, animosity is brewing. Shooting a pistol: you know who your enemy is, but you need to chose carefully the method of his/her defeat. If you pull the trigger and bullet is stuck in the barrel, you are defenseless and powerless in a very unpleasant situation. The dreams which involve any times of guns allude to misfortunes and injustice towards you or your close friends.

Abandon: Abandoning something bad in your dream means that you might soon receive good financial news. But if someone abandons you, it can be a sign of trouble which you possibly can overcome by acknowledging this warning and reconciling yourself with the problem. If you saw some sort of abandonment in your dream, it means that you will hear soon some very important information.

Bicycle: A bicycle stands for an individual choice of direction, strength and effort. Riding a bike in a dream may suggest that you are the one who is in charge of your own destiny. If you feel as if your bike is floating in the air, you want to advance socially, and to improve your financial situation.

6:35am: i wish i had someone to care for me like this
I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and
served with the table set in my finest suit
like a perfect gentleman.
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the
ancient brick where you will sit
and contemplate your day.

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you
start drowning in an open tab when your
judgement's on the brink.
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
albums back as you're lying there, drifting off
to sleep... drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes; undo what heredity's done to you:
you won't have to strain to look into my eyes.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped
straight to the throat with the collar up so
you won't catch a cold.

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
and kiss you on the mouth.
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of
this scene, start a brand new colony.
Where everything will change, we'll give
ourselves new names. Identities erased.
The sun will heat the grounds, under our bare
feet in this brand new colony.
This Brand new colony...

Everything will change, Ooo ooo...
Everything will change, Ooo ooo...
Everything will change, Ooo ooo...












but im excited
im going to trl with gina and stephany today
that should be fun

7:33am: im in a negative mood. don't take this personally.
everyone's talking about their "life-changing" vacations.
mine hasn't opened my eyes or any shit like that.
it's just made me homesick.
i mean, i enjoy it.... to a point.
it's definately a different way of living.
but it didn't change my life.
does that make me strange?
i feel like im missing something.
i have tunnel vision, while the answers to life are revealing themselves to everyone around me. [not actually everyone]
why am i not getting the same outcome as others?


hmmm. i guess i just don't understand how something so bland and simple, could be so meaningful.
maybe it's all a front.
maybe everyone's trying to grow up too fast.
to compete with each other they need to let everyone know they're changing. they're growing up.
cool, so is every other living being.
all the time. so slow it down. enjoy your ignorant youth, care-free.
enjoy it for what its worth.

i don't really know what I'm feeling right now.
i don't really care to find out, or understand either.
im just throwing out some thoughts so they're released from my mind.


i appologize to anyone i offended.
although i won't back down on my word.
i'd apprieciate if you didn't bother replying to this.
i don't care to hear you're rebuttle about how i might've contradicted myself or whatever.


i also appologize for the odd attitude.
im on my 3rd day of no sleep.
i've not eaten much.
im not sure what's going on with me....

2:38am: im in a weird mood tonight.
like im flustered. worried. here's why:


my nana had a stroke yesterday night.
she is doing better now.
we're not really sure on all the details.
but i know she's alive, in the hospotal.
and thats all that matters.

"keep your head up kid, things will turn out just fine."

thats what ill do. and pray for the best.

1:01pm: okay, yeah.
i have an abusive father.
I'm not looking for your sympathy.
we all have problems in our lives.
so stop, i don't need random people feeling sorry for me.
just please, never judge me.
and never underestimate me.
that's all i ask.



i miss my friends dearly.
it's like im a whole different person.
im missing a huge part of myself.
my friends.my support.my life.
you guys, if you see this.
i want to hear your voices.
see your faces.

it's nothing against new york. this place fucking rocks the cazbah. it's one of the most interesting places i've ever travelled to. and its awsome to be living in it. really experiencing it, ya know? such a different place. noone here i really know. it's kind of a wake up call. it's showed me how sheltered we are in sebastopol. but im not ready yet. i want to go back home to my sheltered little safe-zone. with all the familiar faces.




to all my wonderful, beautiful, supportive friends... we need to have a coming home party. ha



rachel check my mood.
i used my new vocabulary. ha

10:05pm: It's too late. fuckface.
From the last breath on earth to the first breath in hell, condemned by your deeds your fates been sealed.

7:59pm: surprise
so i'm leaving for Manhattan, NY.
on wednesday.
for 3 weeks.
kind of a shock.
I'll be staying in my aunt's apartment with her and her two roommates.
it will be a nice break,
a chance to get away for a while.
i think that's what she planned.

I know of a few people i'll see before i go.
but i will see the rest of you when i get back.
goodbye loverly's.

9:32pm: I'm not really sure what to think of it yet
I'm living at rella's (gabby)
these past few days have gone by in a blur.
at least i never have to see that piece of crap EVER again.
i guess it's happened before.
maybe with linda.
or, i dunno.

yesterday was shit.
it didn't even need to get that crazy.
stupid bitch ass CPS (social worker) lady.
i had to ride in the back of the sheriff's vehicle.
and went to the fucking emergency room.
and almost had to stay at valley of the moon shelter.

but things WILL get better this time.
i sucked out the poison.
i won't have to worry,
at least for a while.

6:48pm: when i'm sixteen i might get emancipated [sp?].
umm, yeah i can't deal with this anymore.


the cylces started all over again..

1:59am: crazy flu going around.
and i caught it.

symptoms:
feeling not "up to par" w/ everyone else.
incredibly self-concious.
feeling ugly/fat.


what up with this??
niggaz on the block holla "yeeeee".




:/
FUCKMOTHERFUCKERBITCHASSWHORESLUTCUNTBLUNT

wuv you gabby
and lauren's
and rachael
and everyone

11:51pm: stupid dumb and hyphy
crazy ass nig night.
at ella's.
tipsy as fuck.
trying hard to make sence and type rihgt.
shiiit.




alcohol takes all my worries away.
but i can't rely on this.

4:55pm: so im happy.
i'm so happy for my rella :]
eeeep!
you guys are so cute.
soo soooooo cute.

i've been way happy. but i feel like im missing something. when i find out what it is.... well, i dont really know.
damn.

i think i'm lonely.

"darling, stand by me."

i love dancing crazy wiv rellaaa!!!!

2:04pm: boom shakalaka. fuck cows.
fucking hate cows.
last night went shmobbing with some homies.
went to the haunted house near the view.
i knowcked on the window cuz im way brave.
and i stepped in a fat pile of cow shit.
and forgot about it cuz i was pretty blazed.
then this morning i saw it and was all.
oh shit!
fuck my shit!
theres cow doo doo on my shit!
fuck!

so i go into the kitchen to get it off.
and it doesnt fucking come off!!!!!
even with hellof soap and shit!
fuuuuuuuuck/.
my pretty shoes :{

4:52pm: c'mon
when will things just blow over?
forgive, and forget.

stop, don't come on too fast. slow down.
be your damn self.


i'm so confused about things.
grr.